I'm Such a Loser

Maybe it’s because the stress of trying to keep up with everything at school has gotten to me.  Maybe it’s the sleepless nights that are plaguing me.  Maybe it’s because it’s the time of the year that reminds me of painful events in my past.  Maybe it’s because my husband is gone for a month and I miss him terribly.  Whatever it is, I find myself watching Biggest Loser and trying to hold back tears.  It’s makeover week and when I hear some of the comments that they make, I can hear my voice saying the same things.  A little over a year ago, I was 109 pounds heavier.  I struggled to fit in movie theater and airplane seats.  I went straight to the sales rack in clothing stores because I didn’t feel I was worth paying full price.  I often finished shopping trips in tears because I was so frustrated and depressed.  Now here I am.  I’ve gone from size 22/24 to size 8.  The problem is that I still see that fat girl when I look in the mirror.  I hold up a piece of clothing and my brain still says I can’t fit into it. Even when I put it on and it looks pretty good, I still can’t wrap my mind around it.  I’m not done yet.  I have about 25 pounds to go.  I find myself at a standstill….partly because of my own choices and partly because it’s just how the game goes.  I will break through and reach my goal…..eventually …and eventually my mind will catch up with reality and maybe I’ll come to see myself through different eyes.

The Bible in 2 Corinthians 5:717 says, “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!”  Unfortunately, we fail to recognize that and we get stuck in a place of believing that we are still the person that we were before Christ.  We hold up the mirror of our life and see failures, disappointments, and hurts.  The head knows that we have been made new, but the heart hasn’t gotten the message.  Then something happens.  Christ comes along side us and we are able to look at that reflection with Him in it and we see the truth of the situation.  We really do look good….we have been redeemed…we are loved and valued.

A letter to the mother of my soon to be step-children

As my wedding approaches, I contemplate the reality that with my vows to my husband, I am also giving a piece of my heart to his children.  When I first stepped into this role in 1998, the circumstances were very different.  I didn’t have the opportunity to share these thoughts with my children’s mother because she had passed away.  As I parented, I always hoped that I was being the kind of mom that she would have been and that she would have approved.  This time, I have the opportunity to share my thoughts.  My hope is that this will serve as a way to dispel fears and creates an environment that fosters growth in the children that will help them become the best version of who they can be.

To the mother of my step-children,

First, I must tell you that you have amazing children.  There are so many positive things that I see in them and feel completely blessed that I get to be a part of their lives.  I know things won’t always be easy, but I do know that every ounce of effort put into them will be worth it.  As I enter this role, there are some things that I want to tell you.

1.       I will be their stepmother.  What exactly that looks like will evolve over time, but you can be assured that whatever stage we may be in, your child will have me as another adult in their life who loves them, cares for them, and is committed to helping them grow into adulthood.  No child can have too many of those kinds of people in their life.

2.       Your children will never hear me be disrespectful to or about you.  I will maintain a healthy relationship with you and will model that for them as best that I can.  I do not expect us to be friends, but I will do my part to create a situation where the children won’t feel nervous about us interacting.

3.       I understand that the history that you have with my husband has pain for both of you.  My hope is that you will both experience forgiving and being forgiven.  Because it is the healthiest for the children, I will encourage my husband to have cordial interactions with you.  Believe it or not, there have been and I’m sure will continue to be times that I have asked him to view things from your perspective and rethink his responses.  The children being able to see you cooperate with each other in their best interest will enable them to grow and flourish.  I expect him to be transparent with me in his dealings with you as I will be transparent with him. 

4.       I will treat your children with respect.  I will not yell at them, belittle them, or use words that would cause them to question their worth.  I will encourage them in their strengths, challenge them in their weaknesses, and embolden them in their insecurities.  I will help them to develop confidence to reach their goals and be a soft place for them to fall when their world is cruel.

I hope and pray that as we all co-parent these children, they will find security in the adults in their life and can look to us as examples of cooperation and maturity in the midst of less than perfect circumstances.  They are worth the effort that will take.

Brenda

The Easy Way Out...or Is It?

I received an email today from a colleague.  In this email, she was lamenting the fact that students in her class were using a website to cheat on homework assignments.  The answers that they were giving had odd things that were never covered in class.  There were other clues that students got the answers other than working through the problem on their own. 

One of the problems that has arisen from this situation is that the students aren’t performing well on tests.  Parents are questioning how their children can be doing so well on homework, but can’t transfer that knowledge to a test.  It would also appear that as students are made aware of the websites by other students, the problem is escalating.  This got me thinking, both in the educational, spiritual, and relational realms.

As an educator, I have always been frustrated by testing.  While I understand the need to assess how a student is comprehending the material, I don’t feel that written tests are necessarily the most accurate way to do this.  My daughter had test anxiety when she was in school. We could over the material and she would know it, be able to explain it, and apply it, but when it came to a written test, she would freeze.  She said it was like all the information flew out of her head.  Assessing her understanding based on the test was a great disservice to her and many students like her.  In addition to tests given in class, students are given standardized tests.  These are my least favorite.  Judging a student, a teacher, and a school based on a test score is, in my opinion, ridiculous.  Maybe it’s because of what and how I teach, but I am much more interested in what a student can do rather than what they can regurgitate on a test.  I explain it this way.  I would rather have a surgeon that can apply what they have learned in medical school than one who can just give the right answers. If a student can’t leave my class and use the information, they haven’t learned it, regardless of what they can write on a piece of paper.  Unfortunately, the educational mindset that many people have is based on scores and grades instead of learning.  The parents in the situation are concerned about grades more than they are concerned about the learning.  I can’t begin to count the times that a parent, administrator, or colleague have asked the question, “What does the student need to do to get the grade?”.  I want to answer with, “I’m more concerned with what they need to do to learn the concepts.”  If we are concerned with that, the grades will follow.  But, we continue to believe that the end result should be a letter grade or score rather than application of the concept in life.

In the spiritual realm, cheating has consequences also.  We sometimes forget that the Christian walk isn’t just about getting to heaven, but about what we do before we get there.  We sometimes like to take the easy way out.  How many times do I need to go to church in order to be ok with God?  How many verses do I need to read a day do be ok with God?  What is the minimum that I can do and still get the benefits of eternal life?   Just like cheating on the homework assignments rob students of the benefits of knowing and being able to use the concepts, not doing the work as a Christian robs us of the blessing that God wants for us in this life.

In our relationships, cheating obviously does not work.  When one person chooses to stop doing the work that is needed to make a relationship vital and goes outside of the relationship, the hurt that results cannot be measured. The immediate gratification may be appealing, but in the long run, there will only be heartache.  Not only does it hurt the partner, but is devastating to children as they have to experience the tribulation of having to defend the actions of the cheating parent and knowing that those actions have forever changed their lives.  Children are forced to deal with adult issues, which is completely unfair.

Cheating may seem like the easy way out, but whether it’s homework, your Christian walk, or your relationships, you will never get the end result that you desire….unless you are hoping for ignorance, spiritual mediocrity, and heartache for yourself and those that you claim to love. Then you’re right on track. 

In the battle of "us against them", who are the real losers?

There’s an infection going around my workplace.  It’s not the typical cold that starts appearing and spreading at this point of the year.  It’s not a flu that results in people not being able to do their job.  It’s an attitude….an “us against them” attitude.  Unfortunately, in this battle, it ultimately is not the combatants that win or lose, it’s people who don’t have a dog in the fight. A good rule to follow is that you don’t make children deal with adult issues, but that is exactly what is happening.  Children are being used as pawns in a fight that is taking place between adults.  They are caught in the middle.  Over the past couple of weeks, some of the teachers in our district have chosen to make a statement by strictly adhering to contractual hours.  This means that they stand outside of the building until five minute before the first bell and leave twenty minutes after the last bell rings.  That is certainly their right and I can understand where they are coming from.  In addition, information has been given to students that is incomplete and they are being encouraged to voice their opinions based on those “facts”.  In the past week, I have watched as a student asked a teacher for help, but was told “I won’t help you until my contract time starts.”  I heard a student’s frustration through tears as they told me that they needed help on an assignment, but was refused because she approached the teacher before five minutes before the bell.  I sat with a student as they were given a clearer picture of the adult situation and saw the look in their eyes as they realized that they had been used and reevaluated their involvement in the situation. Had they not been given the clearer picture, it could have very negatively impacted their future leadership roles. 

So here I am…..watching people pick sides. I’m disappointed that it has been reduced to personal attacks against those they consider the enemy and making children the real losers in the battle.  

Where do I put a Bible app?

I like my phone.  I like that it lets me communicate with people.  I like that I can listen to books and music with it.  I like that I can play games, watch movies, access the internet, track my weight loss and work with documents.  I like apps…..too many apps.  Every once in awhile, I feel the need to organize my apps.  So far, I have twelve folders set up for my apps.  There are folders for books, connections, education, health, food, games, money, music, travel, utilities, visual, and productivity.  Herein lies my dilemma.  I have the YouVersion app.  If you’re not familiar with it, the app allows you to access several versions of the Bible, look at sermon notes from participating churches, read daily devotions, etc.  It’s an awesome app, but where do I put it in my organization? It’s more than just a book, so it doesn’t fit in that folder.  It does help me connect with God and other Christians, but I don’t think it quite fits with the purpose of that folder.  The Bible definitely is definitely essential on educating me in the ways of God, but that folder is more for things that I use in my classroom.  Without God, my health in every area of my life isn’t what it should be, but the apps in that folder are the ones that I use to stay on track with my weight loss.  It used to have the label “fat”, but I decided I needed a more positive approach to the situation.  The Bible is food for my spiritual life, but probably doesn’t fit with my apps for grocery lists and recipes.  The Christian walk is no game so that folder is out.  God requires good stewardship and should be the first consideration when deciding how I manage my money, but YouVersion doesn’t really fit in the money folder.  There are books in the Bible that are considered musical, but not really what I was thinking when I created that folder.  How about travel?  The Bible should guide every step that I take, but putting it with Mapquest and Googlemaps is probably a stretch.  The utilities folder is for those things that I use on occasion when I need them, but don’t they don’t really affect my life very much so that won’t work.  The Bible helps me see what God wants for and from me, but visual in this case is for things that I want to look at.  Productivity……hmmm……The Bible definitely helps me be productive.  It is the core of enabling me to live the life that God intended for me.  It encourages me to do more, be more, and love more.  Yep, I do believe that my Bible belongs in the productivity folder.  

Preparations

I know that it's been awhile since my last blog.  All of my writing efforts have been going into finishing my masters.  Now that that is behind me, I am hoping to find myself here more.  So much has happened in the last several months that it is hard to know where to start.  God is blessing me in ways that I never could have imagined.  My gastric bypass was successful and as of today I have lost 83 pounds!!!  I feel so much better.  I was finally able to complete my master’s degree and just found out that my degree has officially posted.  I welcomed a new granddaughter on August 6th!!  I can't wait to meet the new princess.  The biggest change in my life is the blessing that God has given me in a man named Bunky.  Bunky and I started dating in March and quickly realized that we loved each other.  On July 13th, Bunky proposed and I said, "Yes"!!  We are planning to be married at the end of November in a small private ceremony.  So many blessings!!!

As Bunky and I have entered this journey, I have the opportunity to visit him in Minnesota a few times.  I live in the middle of the Bakken.  He lives about a mile out of town away from the road.  It's very quiet there and I can feel the tension leaving me as I enjoy the calm.  I like the place. The house has great woodwork and a character of its own.  It needs a woman's touch here and there, but it is definitely a place that I feel comfortable in.  Bunky has been making some improvements here and there.  He built a new deck and put in a door to the deck from the living room.  He replaced another door and changed the locks so the house would be secure from thieves when he can't be there. He painted the kitchen and invested in some new appliances.  He planted flowers and apple trees.  I asked him why he was doing all of this.  He told me that he was preparing the house for when it will be ours together.  I didn't ask him to do any of these projects, (ok maybe the fridge was my idea).  These are things that he wanted to do for us.  He did these things because he loves me and is looking forward to our future together.

John 14:2 says, "In my Father's house are many mansions: if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you."  Jesus loves us so much that he is preparing a place for us to be with him forever.  When I marvel at how much Bunky loves me and how he is preparing his place for me, I can't help but think that it is so small in comparison to how much Jesus loves me.  I am blessed beyond belief to have an example in my life of how much I am loved by Jesus.

Make Your Bed

I haven’t slept well this week.  Maybe it’s the start of the new semester.  Maybe it’s the outside noises.  Maybe it’s my fault.  I have to admit that I’m not very diligent about making my bed every day.  I can usually manage to clean things up, but the bed doesn’t get made.  When I think about it, how long would it really take?  A couple of minutes?  Still, as soon as I get up in the morning, I’m working toward getting out of the house and to work as quickly as possible.  As a general rule, I take care of the housework when I get home from work.  This week, however, there were some others things that stole my attention.  As a result, my house, especially my bedroom was in a state of mild chaos.  This affected my productivity at home and how well I was sleeping.  By the end of the week, I was exhausted.  Saturday, I spent a considerable part of the day cleaning the house and doing laundry.  I went to bed that night tired, but calm.  When I woke up in the morning, I noticed that I had not only slept really well, but felt rested.  The covers had hardly moved.

Distractions and chaos threaten to steal things in other parts of our lives also.  Just as the small act of not making my bed, meant less restful sleep, small acts of disobedience means less rest in God.  This doesn’t necessarily mean sin.  It could be not listening to what God is prompting us to do.  It could be rushing to do the things that God wants us to do and forgetting to take of the little things in our own hearts that need attention.  We need to examine our lives for those things that might be robbing us of our rest in God and then take time to concentrate on making our relationship with Him a priority.  And trust me, this isn’t something that should be left for the end of the week.  Daily attention to the little things that result in rest keeps them from being the big things that rob us of who we can be in God.