As my wedding approaches, I contemplate the reality that with
my vows to my husband, I am also giving a piece of my heart to his
children. When I first stepped into this
role in 1998, the circumstances were very different. I didn’t have the opportunity to share these
thoughts with my children’s mother because she had passed away. As I parented, I always hoped that I was
being the kind of mom that she would have been and that she would have
approved. This time, I have the
opportunity to share my thoughts. My
hope is that this will serve as a way to dispel fears and creates an environment
that fosters growth in the children that will help them become the best version
of who they can be.
To the mother of my step-children,
First, I must tell you that you have amazing children. There are so many positive things that I see
in them and feel completely blessed that I get to be a part of their
lives. I know things won’t always be
easy, but I do know that every ounce of effort put into them will be worth
it. As I enter this role, there are some
things that I want to tell you.
1. I will be their
stepmother. What exactly that looks like
will evolve over time, but you can be assured that whatever stage we may be in,
your child will have me as another adult in their life who loves them, cares
for them, and is committed to helping them grow into adulthood. No child can have too many of those kinds of
people in their life.
2. Your children
will never hear me be disrespectful to or about you. I will maintain a healthy relationship with
you and will model that for them as best that I can. I do not expect us to be friends, but I will
do my part to create a situation where the children won’t feel nervous about us
interacting.
3. I understand that the history that you have
with my husband has pain for both of you.
My hope is that you will both experience forgiving and being
forgiven. Because it is the healthiest
for the children, I will encourage my husband to have cordial interactions with
you. Believe it or not, there have been
and I’m sure will continue to be times that I have asked him to view things
from your perspective and rethink his responses. The children being able to see you cooperate
with each other in their best interest will enable them to grow and
flourish. I expect him to be transparent
with me in his dealings with you as I will be transparent with him.
4. I will treat
your children with respect. I will not yell
at them, belittle them, or use words that would cause them to question their
worth. I will encourage them in their
strengths, challenge them in their weaknesses, and embolden them in their
insecurities. I will help them to develop
confidence to reach their goals and be a soft place for them to fall when their
world is cruel.
I hope and pray that as we all co-parent these children, they
will find security in the adults in their life and can look to us as examples
of cooperation and maturity in the midst of less than perfect
circumstances. They are worth the effort
that will take.
Brenda
