Thursday, November 21, 2013

A letter to the mother of my soon to be step-children

As my wedding approaches, I contemplate the reality that with my vows to my husband, I am also giving a piece of my heart to his children.  When I first stepped into this role in 1998, the circumstances were very different.  I didn’t have the opportunity to share these thoughts with my children’s mother because she had passed away.  As I parented, I always hoped that I was being the kind of mom that she would have been and that she would have approved.  This time, I have the opportunity to share my thoughts.  My hope is that this will serve as a way to dispel fears and creates an environment that fosters growth in the children that will help them become the best version of who they can be.

To the mother of my step-children,

First, I must tell you that you have amazing children.  There are so many positive things that I see in them and feel completely blessed that I get to be a part of their lives.  I know things won’t always be easy, but I do know that every ounce of effort put into them will be worth it.  As I enter this role, there are some things that I want to tell you.

1.       I will be their stepmother.  What exactly that looks like will evolve over time, but you can be assured that whatever stage we may be in, your child will have me as another adult in their life who loves them, cares for them, and is committed to helping them grow into adulthood.  No child can have too many of those kinds of people in their life.

2.       Your children will never hear me be disrespectful to or about you.  I will maintain a healthy relationship with you and will model that for them as best that I can.  I do not expect us to be friends, but I will do my part to create a situation where the children won’t feel nervous about us interacting.

3.       I understand that the history that you have with my husband has pain for both of you.  My hope is that you will both experience forgiving and being forgiven.  Because it is the healthiest for the children, I will encourage my husband to have cordial interactions with you.  Believe it or not, there have been and I’m sure will continue to be times that I have asked him to view things from your perspective and rethink his responses.  The children being able to see you cooperate with each other in their best interest will enable them to grow and flourish.  I expect him to be transparent with me in his dealings with you as I will be transparent with him. 

4.       I will treat your children with respect.  I will not yell at them, belittle them, or use words that would cause them to question their worth.  I will encourage them in their strengths, challenge them in their weaknesses, and embolden them in their insecurities.  I will help them to develop confidence to reach their goals and be a soft place for them to fall when their world is cruel.

I hope and pray that as we all co-parent these children, they will find security in the adults in their life and can look to us as examples of cooperation and maturity in the midst of less than perfect circumstances.  They are worth the effort that will take.


Brenda

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