It's a Facebook Kind of Thing

A friend recently told me, “I haven’t called lately because I’ve been keeping up with what’s happening in your life by looking at Facebook.”  Hmmmm…I’m really not one to broadcast my every move.  You probably won’t know what I eat for every meal, what time I go to bed or the daily happenings in my life.  Yes, there are times that I will post about my struggles and joys, but I prefer to share the humor that I see around me or insights that life has taught me.  I really don’t think that reading my Facebook posts can really clue you in to who I am and what my life is about.  To gain that, you need to spend time with me and have conversations with me. 

Going to church is like Facebook sometimes.  It’s a great experience and you can learn about who God is from each week’s selected scriptures.  You can spend a little time talking to Him, but it’s not a real relationship with Him if it stops there.  It takes spending time with Him….having real conversations with Him on a consistent and continuous basis.  No, limiting your engagement with God to an hour or so a week isn’t a relationship with Him any more than occasionally looking at someone’s Facebook wall counts as a real relationship.

Letting go...again

Once again, I am faced with letting go.  This time it’s letting go of a friend that I have come to love and care for.  This friendship has been a great source of support and encouragement for me, but because of circumstances that have come about in his life, we can no longer engage in a friendship.  I don’t like letting go and I will miss him terribly.  As badly as this hurts right now, I know that it is the way that it has to be. 

In our walk with God, He requires that we let go of things.  In order to have the kind of relationship with Him that He wants, there are things that we have to give up.  There are things throughout the Bible that God is very clear about us not doing, but there are also times that He requires things that are specific to each of us.  He may ask us to let go of relationships.  He may ask us to let go of dreams.  He may ask us to let go of things that aren’t seen as sinful, but are somehow hampering our relationship with Him.  I think that those are the hardest to understand.  It doesn’t always make sense to us.  It does to God though. He can see the big picture and knows what is best.  We have to learn to trust Him and follow His leading….even when it doesn’t make sense….even when it hurts.

Out of order

Many of my posts lately have been about my “adventure” in finding love.  You see…once upon a time, I was married to a wonderful man.  He passed away 9 years and 37 days after we were married…..much too soon.  On the day that we came home from the hospital for the last time, he asked that the kids stay in the hallway while he talked to me.  In a very matter of fact manner, he told me that he wanted me to get married again.  Talk about an awkward conversation.  But that’s who he was.  Even at the end he was thinking about me and caring about me.  A couple of days later, he became very serious and said that he needed to tell me something.  I had no idea what to expect.  He proceeded to tell me that I was supposed to buy a new washer because the one that we had was old and used too much electricity.  What????  That’s what he was concerned about????  Yep…that’s just who he was.  About a week or two after Dan passed away, I decided to honor his wish and went to get a new washer and dryer.  As I wrote the check, I started to cry…not a silent tear rolling down my cheek, but an all-out breathless, shoulder shaking cry.  I tried the best that I could to explain myself to the obviously uncomfortable salesman, but I’m pretty sure he had no idea what I was saying.  The washer and dryer are sitting in my basement and I am reminded every time I use them of the incredible man that my husband was.

Getting married again is an entirely different story. If you have read my other posts, you already know that my experiences with men over the last four years has been less than favorable.  I have been told that I’m not pretty enough to be seen in public with, not thin enough, good enough until someone better comes along, that no godly man would ever want me because I had an intimate relationship with my husband, should forsake all memories of my husband and kids, need to not have boundaries, not spiritual enough, too high maintenance, not exciting enough, and my personal favorite..."I decided I'm gay"…..the list goes on. What this all boils down to is that it is becoming clear to me that God intends for me to travel this journey alone.  I don’t like it and I don’t understand it, but He doesn’t ask me to.  He asks me to live it. So, that is what I will do.  I am hanging an “out of order” sign on my heart and concentrating my time and energy in other directions.  Wish me luck.  =)