When someone uses a word or phrase to describe me or says that a word or phrase definitely doesn’t describe me, my practice is to take the time to evaluate myself and determine if the description is accurate. Then, if it is accurate, is it something that I need to allow God to work in my life about. There have been some very challenging and hurtful descriptions made of me in the past few months. I have been described as being selfish, self-centered, and thinking only of myself. I took a considerable amount of time addressing those characteristics and hope that at some level I have been able to correct those flaws in my character. It has come with a cost, both in giving up activities that I enjoyed including writing this blog for a while and redefining relationships that I had. I have tried to make a concerted effort to sway any focus away from me and although I haven’t always been successful, I have tried. Be assured that whatever is happening, I am always trying to discern if my words and actions would cause me to be seen in this way.
Last night, during a discussion with a friend, another word was used, only this time it was clearly established that this word did not describe me. The word was “coy”. I had a fairly good idea of what the word meant, but if I was going to evaluate who I was, I needed a clear definition. The Bible should be the first step in defining character, but I wasn’t able to find the definition there, so I went to the second step….Google. This is one of the definitions. “Making a pretense of shyness or modesty that is intended to be alluring but is often regarded as irritating.” I have to admit that I had a LOL moment. He was spot on in his assessment. I am not coy. So, I began the evaluation process.
I’m not very good at playing games, especially when it comes to men. I have learned to be independent. I don’t need rescuing. (Although, it would be nice to have someone that could change the two light bulbs that I can’t reach) I’m not a woman who will pretend to be incompetent or stupid just to stroke a man’s ego. That may be a strike against me in my desire to share my life with someone, but I’d rather be real and alone than pretending to be something that I’m not just to be with someone who will never really know me. More than that, I think a major reason that the word “coy wasn’t used to describe me is based on this word in the definition…pretense. You see, God made me who I am. There is a continual refining of character, but the underlying personality traits are by His design. I should probably wear a warning label that says, “Don’t ask me questions that you don’t want the answer to.” I do my best to temper my response with grace and mercy, but I’m going to give it to you straight. I don’t believe in wasting time trying to guess about things that could have been communicated easily. In addition, if you ask me to help in shaping your actions and attitudes to conform to those of Christ, I will do that as God leads me. You should expect nothing less from someone who cares about you.
Because it is my desire to share my life with someone, I am sometimes tempted to change who God made me to be in order to make that happen. What I have learned is that “pretense” is really lying and not a good foundation for a relationship. Dr. Phil put it this way. "Any relationship where you stop being all of who you are in order to be half of a couple, the price is too high.” I guess for me, what it boils down to is this. If a man is looking for arm candy, he needs to keep looking. If a man is looking for a woman who pretends to be weak in order to make him feel strong, he needs to keep looking. If a man is looking for a woman who will only tell him what he wants to hear and not what he needs to hear, he needs to keep looking. However, if a man looks for beauty with his heart and not with just his eyes, he has the kind of character that will give strength to a relationship. If a man is looking for a woman who really is weak sometimes and needs a strong shoulder to lean on, I’m that woman. If a man is looking for a woman who will be honest with him even when it’s not the most comfortable thing to do, I’m that woman. If a man is looking for a woman who will strive for a better relationship with God and will help him to do the same, I’m that woman. If a man is looking for a relationship that is grounded in faith, continually growing in love, mercy, and grace, and alive with passion, I am believing in the hope that God will put it in his heart to either look for me or perhaps not overlook me. Whatever, the outcome, I must be true to the person that God made and is making me to be….not pretending to be otherwise.
