Out of order

Many of my posts lately have been about my “adventure” in finding love.  You see…once upon a time, I was married to a wonderful man.  He passed away 9 years and 37 days after we were married…..much too soon.  On the day that we came home from the hospital for the last time, he asked that the kids stay in the hallway while he talked to me.  In a very matter of fact manner, he told me that he wanted me to get married again.  Talk about an awkward conversation.  But that’s who he was.  Even at the end he was thinking about me and caring about me.  A couple of days later, he became very serious and said that he needed to tell me something.  I had no idea what to expect.  He proceeded to tell me that I was supposed to buy a new washer because the one that we had was old and used too much electricity.  What????  That’s what he was concerned about????  Yep…that’s just who he was.  About a week or two after Dan passed away, I decided to honor his wish and went to get a new washer and dryer.  As I wrote the check, I started to cry…not a silent tear rolling down my cheek, but an all-out breathless, shoulder shaking cry.  I tried the best that I could to explain myself to the obviously uncomfortable salesman, but I’m pretty sure he had no idea what I was saying.  The washer and dryer are sitting in my basement and I am reminded every time I use them of the incredible man that my husband was.

Getting married again is an entirely different story. If you have read my other posts, you already know that my experiences with men over the last four years has been less than favorable.  I have been told that I’m not pretty enough to be seen in public with, not thin enough, good enough until someone better comes along, that no godly man would ever want me because I had an intimate relationship with my husband, should forsake all memories of my husband and kids, need to not have boundaries, not spiritual enough, too high maintenance, not exciting enough, and my personal favorite..."I decided I'm gay"…..the list goes on. What this all boils down to is that it is becoming clear to me that God intends for me to travel this journey alone.  I don’t like it and I don’t understand it, but He doesn’t ask me to.  He asks me to live it. So, that is what I will do.  I am hanging an “out of order” sign on my heart and concentrating my time and energy in other directions.  Wish me luck.  =)